If you have managed to find The One and make it through the marriage discussion, congratulations! According to the fairytales, it’s “Happily Ever After” from now on, right?

Not exactly. Those fairy tales fail to tell us just how that couple manages to have a happy life going forward. The implication is that a perfect match just works and flows effortlessly. So how does it really work?

Like anything worthwhile, a lasting relationship takes time and effort. Both people need to be fully invested in making it work and making it last. Love doesn’t just happen – it’s a choice made every day. Infatuation or attraction (what many confuse for actual love) is that sudden, gut-punching “Wow!” that brings you together. Love is the long-term result of deciding that your partner really is the perfect match even though they never hang their mug back up after using it or insist upon taking calls while in the bathroom.

We don’t get to choose who we’re attracted to, but we do get to choose whether or not we love them.

It’s easy to get lost in the attraction and forget about building love – you feel like you’re in love already, so why bother? Plus, many of the stories we grow up with never explain how a mermaid adjusted to life on land with a prince or how a scullery maid adjusted to the sudden, overwhelming change of becoming a wealthy princess. It “just happens,” like the rising of the sun or the inevitable pigeon after washing your car.

A solid relationship is like a table, with legs supporting it. Those legs are friendship, trust, communication, and shared goals. If one of the legs is short (for instance, if your relationship is based not on friendship but attraction) then the table will wobble. But like a wobbly table doesn’t need to be tossed out, a wobbly relationship doesn’t need to be tossed out – both can be repaired. If you’re already noticing that your relationship “wobbles,” a couples counselor can help you learn the tools for repair.

After the infatuation wears off, love will be what remains – if you’ve taken the time to build it. The term “7-Year Itch” refers to the belief that after 7 years of marriage, the relationship loses its luster for the participants. The idea was popularized by the 1955 Marilyn Monroe movie of the same name, where a man bored with his marriage contemplates what a relationship with his beautiful neighbor might be. While marriage tends to “wear out” over time, statistics have not pinpointed an exact time frame.

Is it possible to keep your marriage from wearing out like your favorite sweater? Yes! But it does take effort and a commitment to renew the love on a regular basis. And both parties need to take a vested interest in the relationship.

Did you know that just like the languages we use for communication, love has languages as well? According to Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The 5 Love Languages, people have different ways of needing and showing love – for instance, one person might love it if their partner takes out the trash without being asked, but another person would find it more meaningful if their partner gave them small gifts, or tokens of affection. Learning about each other’s love languages before marriage is extremely helpful, but if you haven’t done it yet there’s still time. Learning what your partner values is important if you want them to feel loved. Constantly giving gifts won’t feel loving to someone who prefers quality time. The book is easily available online and a couples counselor can help you interpret your languages and help you find the best path to showing your partner the love they recognize.

Dating after marriage is important, too. Continuing to date your spouse, showing them affection and carving out time just for them helps strengthen your bond. If you have children, it’s even more important to take that time to recognize your spouse as your partner and not just a parent.

In addition to different love languages, men and women also communicate differently. It’s important to understand that your man’s grunts aren’t a dismissal but his way of communicating. If communication is a problem in your relationship, a counselor can help you recognize each other’s communication styles and help bridge the gap and avoid miscommunication.

Investing in your partner’s hobbies is also a great way to strengthen your bond. Does your partner like fishing? Take the time to ask them about it, and have them teach you about fishing. Maybe your partner loves gaming. Have you ever asked them about the games they play and why they like them? Having separate interests doesn’t weaken your bond – being with your partner 24/7/365 can be tough even for the strongest couples. But showing interest in your partner’s activities lets them know that you care about them and care about their interests.

Whether you’ve been married six months, six years or six decades, eventually you’ll stumble across something that results in a major fight. Oftentimes, that “major fight” will be over something small – “You forgot to pay the bill!” – and devolves into a mud-slinging brawl – “You never pay the bills on time and now you’ve ruined our credit!” Terms like “never” and “always” turn up in fights, particularly when you’ve stored up animosity towards your partner – all those little things you ignore at the time (like forgetting to deliver messages, not filling the fuel tank after using the car, or putting the toilet paper roll on the holder wrong) finally collecting into a massive ball of anger.

Learning how to address the smaller issues when they crop up and how to deal with one issue at a time are critical for the survival of the relationship. It’s unreasonable to aim for zero fights: That puts pressure on the people involved to avoid conflict, keep problems hidden, and to force agreement whether it’s warranted or not. Fights will happen, that’s just part of being human.

If repairing after fights is difficult, a couples counselor can help you learn the tools of repair and communication.

While we can’t expect “Happily Ever After” to just happen, with work and dedication, a relationship can last and keep the spark alive.