Once you’ve found The One (or at least the One you like best), you might start wondering if it’s time to tie the knot. How do you know if your relationship is marriage-ready? How do you know if you are?

Marriage is a big step, not only in the relationship but also in the lives of the people in that relationship. As with any major life milestone, it requires thought and consideration. But where do you start?

As with our last post, the place to start is within you. How do you feel about marriage? Do you love the idea or hate it? Is your significant other on the same page? How do they feel about marriage?

While earlier generations were raised to have marriage as a goal and to set out on that journey early, later generations see marriage as optional. “As of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds in the U.S. had never been married, approximately a 400% increase from 1980 (when it was 6%)¹”. That generation gap can lead parents to pressure children into a life choice that the parents desire, but that the children don’t want.

Discussing the idea of marriage with family and friends can be a helpful way to find your own voice on the subject. Speaking with members or leaders of your church can be helpful as well. But if you feel that your ideas aren’t being heard, a counselor can be a great sounding board.

A counselor can also be helpful if you feel you have trauma associated with the idea of marriage – for example, if you witnessed your parents go through a messy divorce, if you have been a victim of domestic violence, or if a previous relationship ended badly. A counselor can help you deal with the past and prepare yourself for a future with the person you love.

When you feel you have a firm grasp on your thoughts and ideas concerning marriage, it’s time to sit down with your significant other and hear their thoughts and ideas. Marriage needs serious discussion and a unanimous vote. There is no “you’ll love it, trust me!” or “I’m not sure.” Both of you need to feel that marriage is not only a great idea, but also suits both of you.

Marriage is not just about attraction – if you’re marrying your partner because of infatuation, the romance won’t last because infatuation quickly burns out. Marriage should be about friendship, trust, common beliefs, and goals.

Four questions devised by therapists Jourdan and Mark Travers, couples counselors, can help you see if attraction is clouding your judgment²:

First, “If you weren’t a couple, would you still be close friends?” Answering “no” to this might mean you aren’t friends with your partner and that perhaps it’s time to take stock of why you believe they’re a great match for marriage.

Second, “Do you like who you are when you’re around your partner?” A good partner brings out the best in us and helps us to become the best version of ourselves. But if you’re always arguing or always bending your values to suit your partner, you might need to think about whether they have your best interests at heart. Arguments and disagreements happen – that’s just part of being human. But if they happen all the time, it could be a sign that the relationship isn’t marriage-ready.

Third, “If you knew your partner would never change, would you still want to be with them?” Answering this helps you know if you’re looking to change them, mold them into your “ideal” mate. If you don’t like who they are now, why would you want to marry them?

Fourth, “When you have good news, is your partner the first person you want to tell?” If they are, it’s a good sign that you have a strong bond that will work well in marriage. But if they’re not the person you’d want to tell, it’s an important warning that the bond isn’t very strong. If the bond isn’t strong, a marriage won’t make it stronger.

If you answer only one or two questions “no,” then it might be a good idea to sit down and talk it over with your partner. Pre-marriage counseling can be a great option as well – having an impartial third-party observer will make sure you’re not glossing over important issues in a rush to the altar. A therapist can offer such counseling, and many churches offer pre-marriage classes, if you’re both on the same page about religion. Taking the time to make sure of your decision nowcan save a great deal of pain and trouble in the future.

If marriage is indeed what you want, then it’s time to start planning. Planning things like a proposal, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and the wedding itself. It’s important to agree upon the events and the budget ahead of time. These decisions can help a couple see if they’re on the same page. Do you agree with the budget? The type of ceremony? The size of the events? If there are disagreements, how big are they? Is it a disagreement about the color of the flowers? Or it is more serious – such as whether there should even be flowers?

Relationships are built upon trust, friendship, and common ground. If the wedding turns into a battle with parents or in-laws, one party starts hiding costs (like claiming the dress only cost a fraction of the price tag when it actually didn’t), or the bachelor/bachelorette parties turn into a hedonistic free-for-all, those are all potential signs that the marriage might be in trouble from the start.

Wedding planning can be stressful – getting what you want on the budget you have is frustrating. Disagreements will happen. But with communication, compromise, and compassion, your wedding can be a wonderful stepping stone to a lasting relationship. If communication is difficult, a couples counselor can help and give you the tools for a lasting relationship.

1 – Forbes Magazine “Dating Statistics And Facts In 2025” https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/

2 – Today “4 questions can predict if your relationship will last, according to a couples therapist” https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/4-questions-can-predict-if-your-relationship-will-last-according-to-a-couples-therapist/ar-AA1DowMA?ocid=msedgntp&pc=HCTS&cvid=68c1ef365bd44d619ade79b30264aaa7&ei=11