Relationships – Part I: In the Beginning

As children many of us learn about finding that “special someone” from fairytales and movies: Prince meets Princess, eyes meet, and it’s an epic journey to Happily Ever After. When our own relationship search doesn’t measure up to the fantasy, it’s easy to wonder what’s wrong and why it’s not as easy as the movies. After all, according to cinema we find “The One” in a magical, dramatic-music-filled moment when eyes meet and you just KNOW.

Unfortunately, real life is nothing like the fairytales. We have to deal with egos and expectations, family prejudices and rules, social conventions, and our own pile of insecurities and quirks. We expect our parents to teach us the truth about relationships and dating, but often that “truth” gets twisted and distorted by their own experiences and traumas: How often does a divorced mother tell her daughter that “men only want one thing,” and “men are nothing but trouble?”

The invention of social media has changed the dating game. Prior to electronic intervention, dating was a matter of attending events, going to popular hangouts, and networking. While some (42% of Americans, according to Forbes¹) feel dating apps have made things easier, others (22% according to Forbes¹) feel they’ve made it more difficult. Computer dating has been around since the 1960s, and while some believe computers can determine compatibility between people, others disagree. What computers do add to the game is what they take away – social interaction. Some generations are used to online-only interactions while others are not. Avoiding that awkward “meet cute” moment can be a blessing for those with social anxiety, but there are those who find the relationship as flat as week-old soda if there’s no fun story to go along with it.

With so many options and so many pitfalls, how can a person begin to narrow down the search and hope to find their own “Happily Ever After?”

The place to start is inside. First, take stock of your own values, needs, and wants, and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Are you looking for something casual, or are you ready for long-term commitment? If you’re looking for a relationship, is it because that’s what you want, or because it’s what’s expected by family or society? What’s your sexual orientation and how comfortable are you expressing that and meeting that need? How important is finding a relationship – how much of your time and finances are you willing to devote to finding someone? How important are things like matching values, physical attraction, a desire for children, or emotional intimacy?

In order to know what you need in a relationship, you need to know what you want and what you bring to the table. Someone seeking a relationship after having been married will want different things from a potential spouse than someone who has never been married. And men often want different things out of a relationship than women.

It can be helpful to sit down with a trusted friend or family member to develop a list of what you are looking for in a partner and why – and what things you wish to avoid and why. Such a list can help you determine what is most important and what is negotiable. For instance, if you experienced abuse at the hands on an alcoholic parent, you might insist upon a partner who doesn’t drink – until you stumble across a potential mate who loves Comic-Con, D&D sessions, and fantasy as much as you do, but who enjoys the occasional beer in the backyard.

Having an objective opinion about your list can help you avoid pitfalls like family prejudice or putting societal standards above your own needs. A counselor can help you learn how to navigate such things as family or society disapproval, sexual orientation, boundaries, and needs versus wants. Counseling can be a necessary step for a healthy relationships, especially where you may be bringing anxiety, depression, trauma, or other mental health concerns into the mix. Both individual counseling and relationship counseling (where the counselor meets with both you and your partner or potential partner) can be helpful.

Being flexible and taking risks are necessary to finding the right match. This doesn’t mean dismissing your own values or beliefs. It means being open to other experiences and ideas. Perhaps it’s never occurred to you to date outside your religion, culture, or generation. Or perhaps you’re absolutely certain an Aries will never work with a Capricorn. Or maybe you can’t fathom what a gamer has to offer you. Trying new things can be helpful in deciding what you really want and can help you narrow down your list to the things that are absolutely necessary and the things that are definite no-gos.

Maybe you thought the ideal spouse would be a chef who could create the gourmet meals you love. Trying a cooking class might help you see that you can create those meals yourself, or you might learn that your chef would be so busy at the restaurant that they won’t want to cook when they get home.

It can be difficult making the transition from “individual” to “partner,” particularly for those finding love later in life. Having spent so much time alone and independent (and possibly believing a match doesn’t exist), it can be a daunting task to shift into a partnership where you must meet not only your needs but your partner’s as well. A counselor can be very helpful in such situations and can help you navigate the transition successfully.

While Forbes points out that 39% of daters are looking for physical attraction¹, it’s important to note that a person’s physical traits change over time. Just because your potential mate looks like the celebrity you’ve been crushing on doesn’t mean they’ll look like that next year or next decade, not to mention the fact that they’re NOT the celebrity but a unique individual who may be nothing like the celebrity. There’s a difference between love and lust – lust gets us interested, makes us want to get close; love is what we choose to do today, tomorrow, and 50 years from now. Choosing based solely on looks can have other downsides like ignoring a potentially perfect match just because you think they look “geeky” or “not geeky enough.” How many movies have been made about overlooking “The One” because of their looks? There’s great deal of truth in that trope!

When dating becomes overwhelming, or when you feel like you’re not finding what you want, taking a break from dating can help. In the Singles in America dating app study, 53% of singles reported dating burnout and 46% took breaks to recharge—with most of them (64%) saying they came back with a clearer idea of what they want¹.

Some daters feel a need to critique their dates. It’s a common experience: After the date, whether it went well or not, your date says “If you want happiness, you need to change X about yourself.” If this happens a lot, you may begin to wonder if you do need to change. Spending time with friends and family who know you well can help you figure out if the critiques are valid or not. A counselor can help in these situations as well.

Is there a recipe for finding True Love? No. There are no guarantees. There is no sure-fire way of finding The One (and who says there’s only one?). All any of us can do is try. Putting yourself out there is difficult, even more so when you feel like you’re constantly shot down.

While a counselor isn’t a fairy godmother who can bring you instant happiness and a magical ball gown, they can help you learn what you need and want in a relationship, heal from past traumas, and learn how to live your authentic life.

¹Forbes Dating Statistics And Facts In 2025 https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/