Grief. Whether we like it or not (and most of us do not enjoy it), grief is a part of life on Earth. But what exactly is grief? Who experiences it? Why? We’ll be answering those questions and taking a deeper look into the subject over the next couple of blogs.

Humans need labels and definitions in order to organize thought and understand something. In order to understand grief, we need to define 3 terms: grief, bereavement, and mourning.

What is grief? According to the American Psychological Association’s online Dictionary of Psychology, grief is “the anguish experienced after significant loss…” 

What is bereavement? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, bereavement is “the state or fact of being bereaved or deprived of something or someone.”

What is mourning? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, mourning is a “period of time during which signs of grief are shown.”

Basically, grief is what you feel inside after a major loss, bereavement is the state of grieving, and mourning is the outward display of loss and grief. For example, when your grandmother dies you experience grief – the inward feelings of loss and anguish that she has died. When grieving her loss, you are experiencing bereavement – the state of feeling that loss and anguish. Because of your love for her, you take part in mourning – the period where you plan her funeral, write her obituary, get together with friends and family to remember her, and perhaps even wear black as a statement of grief.

 Most of us connect grief to the death of a loved one, but grief can occur over any loss of someone or something that occupied a significant place in one’s mind. Grief can happen over the loss of a beloved pet, the destruction of a home, loss of ability or part of the body, or even the loss of a celebrity or political figure.

While most of us only think of loss when we think of grief, grief is actually a period of intense transformation moving us from our life before the loss to life after the loss. Rather like the quote from an unknown source, “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over… it became a butterfly.” It can be difficult to see the transformation when we’re feeling the loss. We think of what we lost, who we lost, everything we’ve lost – it can be a serious downward spiral. And when we lose something of monumental significance – a parent or child, a home, a part of our body – the grief can be overwhelming.

It can lead to depression, anxiety, confusion, Prolonged Grief Disorder, Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, and even physical symptoms like insomnia, gastrointestinal issues, increased risk of heart attack and suicide, and substance abuse problems.

According to the Kübler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model, however, is only a generalization of what most people feel and is not a steady progression from one to the next. It’s possible to spend more time in anger than any other emotion, or to bounce from denial to depression and then to anger. Not everyone will experience grief the same way. One woman might lose her husband and a year later be dating, while her neighbor might also lose her husband but slip into depression and alcoholism. There is no one right way to experience grief. Just because your sister grieved your mother’s death a certain way doesn’t mean you will grieve the same way – or that you should.

Grief takes different forms each time loss occurs. For instance, a man who outlives several wives may grieve the loss of each differently. This isn’t because he loved one more or less than the others, but because each wife was a unique person with whom he shared a unique relationship.

Grief can also take different forms depending upon what was lost and the significance of it in the mind of the bereaved. A young soldier might stoically accept the loss of a limb in combat but be beside himself over the loss of his beloved dog while he was serving his country.

For those experiencing grief, it can be a terrible shock to learn that grief isn’t universal. Your beloved father, whom you grieve and mourn, might have been an outspoken politician whose death brought joy to those he opposed. A general might be loved by friends and family, his nation might cherish his wisdom and battle tactics – but his death might be a time to celebrate for the enemy he fought. And just because you mourn the loss of a celebrity, not everyone will feel the same way. It’s a harsh reality in this world that one person’s pain may be another’s joy.

So, who can experience grief? Anyone or anything who can form an emotional attachment! This means that grief is not limited only to humans. Elephants, dolphins, whales, the great apes, and even dogs have all been documented showing signs of grief. It is part of life on this planet and inescapable. Even those people who have difficulty forming attachments can still experience grief.

Now that we know what grief is, who can experience it, and how it can affect us, what can we do about it? We’ll address that in the next post!

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